Mass Destruction -Addiction

Warning……………. this is not a Christmas Story, my story tonight is about Addiction. Addiction is the mass destruction of the family unit as a whole surpassing divorce, no one is left unscathed by Addiction’s bony finger’s, those gnarly knuckles might not get you with the drugs many seem to favor, yet they are stretching to latch onto you after a love one becomes addicted, you might not do the drug , yet addiction wants you to suffer, addiction will do anything to make you stop caring or loving the one under it’s power all the while destroying your normal life. Addiction is vile, merciless, boastful, a master manipulator, liar, conniver, thief, prostitute, beggar, gas-lighter, verbal- mental and physical abuse. Addiction uses emotional abuse to twist your guts until you walk on egg shells, cringing waiting for the door to open that unleashes the attacks against you as a deflection of addiction slowly trying to kill your love one. Addiction is a Train-wreck bent on destroying your love one and your family. It isn’t enough to just tell your kids to say “NO”, addiction loves that one, it’s not a fair war, no war is fair, teach you children to be in groups, so that they aren’t isolated, picked on or bullied, take away the shame of reporting drugs, or reporting persons trying to force people to do drugs. Strong people can become weak in fear, sometimes it’s best to teach your children to run like hounds of hell are after them , because that is what addiction is, it’s HELL.

In 2015 one of my precious brothers died at  with end of life liver failure.

In 2016 my best friend lost her husband, he was hung by the neck, in a drug house for non payment of his drug supply.

In 2018, my best friend died in her sleep, after taking too many opiates.

Young people in my area are dying in rapid numbers, every intersection is over crowded with beggars, who are homeless due to addiction.

Addiction is the worst on the user, as it becomes all about self. Addicts loose their ability to make good choices , loosing their ability to rationalize, as the drugs become their Gods and that is who they serve. The drugs destroy their minds and bodies and when in the ecstasy of a high, they are very abusive in every way possible, spiritually, physically, and mentally to those they once loved.

Addicts will steal any and everything from you to pawn for drug money. If you anger an addict, they usually destroy your property. I learned quickly everything had to go under lock and key, yet they will even break down those doors if the hounds of hell are chasing them for a new fix.

Addicts are bullies, and if you put up boundaries putting in place rules, they come after you in relentless revenge. Addicts are experts at emotional abuse, everything is your fault, and they will convince people the problem is you when you may be the only one trying to help them or who clearly see the truth and the depth of their addiction. The time will come when you doubt your own sanity.

Addiction of your love one pushes you to the point that it becomes hard to love them or even pray for them. When God formed my youngest brother in my mothers womb, I’m sure addiction wasn’t part of the plan, by God or my parents. I remember the day he was brought home, I helped count all his toes. I loved him instantly. Those memories, are what continue to push me to pray for him, despite how addiction pushes relentlessly to destroy him and our family. 

On December 3rd, my day started out quiet with my mom, my younger brother, had kept me up most of the night body slapping. (Body slapping is what addicts do because they fear falling asleep after drug use) To say, I was tired, was an understatement. Exhausted, yet up and caring for my sweet Mamma. I could tell on this day my brother was using drugs, to what degree I didn’t know, or what drugs he was taking, I just know never under estimate an addict, you will never win an argument or prove your right.

Daily I play this game I call sitting on fence, do I get off the fence and try to help or do I stay on fence where it’s safe. I have exhausted all government resources trying to help my brother, I simply cannot help him anymore, it has to be his choice to help himself. My state does more to protect the addict and their rights to the point they completely tie a family hands behind their back, disabling them from getting rehab and mental health services for their addicted love ones. When your love one steals from you, the police say, it’s your word against theirs, addicts are pros at conniving stories to make you look bat $#@& crazy. That brings me to the events that transpired this afternoon. Earlier in the morning, I checked on my brother, knocked on his door, got cussed like a sailor. I returned back to sit on my fence. I was upset. Scarred for him. The verbal abuse is bad. The clock becomes your enemy,  should I check again? Finally, A few hours later mom says “Where’s your brother?” I replied in his room. A few minutes later, I’m asked the same repetitive question and I give same answer.  Mom says ” I wonder if he is OK?” I shrug my shoulders and say “Your welcome to go check!” My heart starts to beat faster, as my near 80 year old mom gets up proceeds to his bedroom door. I hear her knocking, calling my brothers name, Mom continues to knock. My brother always answers our mom, or opens the door and today he is silent, no response. I feel adrenal of fear slide into my body,  making it go into flight mode. Dread drops down and surrounds me, is today the day I face my nightmare?  Panic overwhelms me,  everything is in slow motion, my legs are like lead running to his door. I bang on the door like Paul Bunyan hitting a tree with the mighty swing of his ax. Mom is now screaming for him to open the door. Like a lioness, I slammed all my body weight against the door three times, continuously calling his name, no response. I run to back of house, crab a crow bar, running back, pushing my frantic mom aside. I call out his name again pounding on the door.  Still no response, I start ripping  all the trim with the crow bar, then using the crow bar to jimmy the hardware I slam my body weight again. When the door finally gives, I instantly breath in clouds of smoke like being in a bar filled room, my baby brother is in an upright seated position, his body slumped forward, head hung down, a cigarette burned down to his fingers. I fear I’m looking at a dead man with body discoloration of grey to purple and he appears not to be breathing. I don’t know CPR. Mom is screaming and shaking him, I run grab phone off kitchen table dial 911.

Thirty seconds into EMS call, my brother erupts from the room like a grizzly bear, he is raging. Relieved, I can see he is alive and breathing, I have to go away from him to protect myself from the wrath he is hurling at me, trying to convince my mother he only took sleep aides. I carefully watch him and walk out on porch to finish EMS call, finally EMS is on the way, my brother continues raging. I go back inside the home, he begins threatening me, running back and forth, he grabs the dismantled wood strips embedded with nails from his bedroom door, begins throwing them at me, screaming , I’m delusional, mental case, cussing madness. I feel my body going into  a panic attack, hearing him claim he only took two Tylenol PM.  The sheriff arrives, we are questioned, I’m hysterical at this point, talking in between sobs, By time EMS arrive, I’m in a panic attack and he has changed cloths, fixed his hair, used mouthwash with smell of cologne lingering on him having pulled himself together, I hear him tell EMS, “I’m crazy” then signs a release and refuses to be checked out by EMS. The scapegoating continues, he lies to the sheriff  I have been fighting with him all day. By this time  mom has already forgot the events and I’m glad for a split second her dementia took that horrible memory. No mother should ever go through what she did today.

I’m hurt from throwing my body against door. I can’t go hospital, cause there is no one to look after mom. I decline EMS also. The EMS and Sheriff leave. A family member finally arrives.  I’m put into a family meeting where I’m cussed at by all parties for over two hours, I broke the family rule by not suffering in silence. I asked four times to be taken to hospital, I’m in pain, being told to shake it off. Finally I got ride to hospital, was dropped off.  After several hours wait, a doctor orders xrays, nothing is broke, just bruised and sore possible 10 days to heal. I got text message asking “how are you getting home?” My BP is high, my Anxiety is high, and somehow my brothers overdose is my my fault. I was even told ” You seem miserable here, maybe it’s time for you to make some decisions.” Which is classic manipulation.

My brother has retaliated by harassing me for last two days. Last night, at midnight, he got a hammer and nailed and banged his door frame excessively for over an hour, yelling at me across the house. I know without a doubt my brother was borderline dead, what I saw still haunts me, yet by grace of God he lives, to see another day.

Earlier I stated “telling your kids to just say “no” isn’t enough.” Addiction is standing against the wall, laughing, licking the lollipop, figuring out how  to entice your loved ones, your weapons are prayer, love, faith and truth, you got to get in the mud, pray, love, give graphic teaching lessons, don’t be shy letting children know addiction is death.

Don’t let your children  off the fence, get in their business, you have right to know who, what, when, where and why! Search their rooms. Swaddle them with love and praise, speak words that give life. Track their phones. Privacy is earned.

The hardest question I ever answered to a child was when my grandchild asked me “What’s wrong with Uncle’s arms? (Needle marks) I hesitated, because he is young, then I looked in his eyes and I told him the truth; what a great little boy Uncle was growing up. I told him about his adventurous childhood, GI Joe, riding our bikes, playing in the creek, how he broke his leg, how I loved his laugh and his singing, specifically singing my brothers song “Doggies in the Night” and then I told him about the addiction bully,  that he showed up through his best friend, my brothers one bad choice lead to his life now. I cried. I told him if the addiction bully shows up it is brave and courageous to run, just run with all his might,  straight to his parents. Pray to God. I said “Run Child” then when you are safe sit on fence and remember there is nothing, absolutely nothing on the other side. Don’t get off the fence. Addiction is death. My little one cried with me, and he prays for my brother. My prayers for my brother continue.  Sadly there are days , where words wont form in prayer, I’m exhausted in every capacity. On these days , I pray others are praying for those battling addiction and their families. When I am weak , he is strong.

Mercy The Only Way Out

Please keep my family and all those battling addiction in your prayers.

Signs of Heroin Overdose

Narcan Saves Lives

 

 

18 thoughts on “Mass Destruction -Addiction

  1. I read this the day you posted it Deb. I didn’t comment because I wanted to have the right words to say. Well, I have read a few times since then and am still unsure as to what to say.

    Addiction is a terrible thing. I agree with all you have said about it. I have heard stories from all types of addicts being a sponsor. You have nailed it.

    I am so sorry you are having to deal/handle/cope with all of this.

    There IS freedom for your brother! He just has to want it more than the drug/alcohol/sex.

    I am praying!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My first Love is my Guru who show me the path to get in touch with God. and he became the way too easy to find God.
    i Love My Guru then i Love God.🙏

    Like

    1. This hurts my heart to know that a true Daughter of the King is being mistreated in this way! I can’t imagine the fear and anxiety that you felt through all this! The thing is, you are not crazy! Your love for your brother shines through this post, even after all he is doing to you! And as for the pow-wow that was called, I can’t even imagine that they could not see that he is on drugs! Ray Charles could see that!!! All I know is, when we don’t know how we can make it another day, God is our strength. He is our anchor of hope! I am praying for you my friend! And your family! I here to listen, if you want to talk….always!!!! 💜🤗

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I understand almost everything you speak of here. As a recovered (by the GRACE of Almighty God!) alcoholic, I have another family member currently on their second stint in prison. It’s crushing to the entire family and has made me steer as clear as possible from any hint of drama. I ran and fetched for years… put myself out, prayed, helped, tried to “save”. Now the ball is in their court. I still pray, of course, for everyone involved, but there had to come a time when MY family (my household) got to experience some peace. And I will maintain that with everything that is in me. I commend you for sharing… it’s hard to do that! But it’s as therapeutic as it is information. Bless you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Praise God for your recovery! I totally understand the statement ” I ran and fetched for years” after this last episode ball is in his court. I love him, I cant help or save him. I just pray and my boundaries go up, I’m on one side and I’m standing alone wanting peace.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s hard to finally make that decision… harder to stick by it, especially with other family members at your throat. If I just had a nickel for every time I heard… “How can you turn them away?” or “How can you not [fill in the blank with whatever they think I should be doing]”… then I’d be a rich woman! If I thought there would be any use in doing so, I might could ask them, “How can you go on allowing yourself to be used and abused?”

        See, I get that Jesus said “70 times 7” when asked how many times we should forever our brother/sister (whoever it might be). But it’s not forgiveness I have a problem with and THAT is what so many don’t understand. I can forgive, and I can forget, but I cannot walk back into the awaiting fire. If things change… and it’s obvious that they’ve changed… PRAISE GOD! I’M ALL IN! But until then, I will do what I must to protect my family… my children… myself. Bless you, for your stance, and I will certainly be praying for you!

        Liked by 2 people

  4. I understand addiction fairly well. I’ve been there. Alcohol, some drugs. Porn… good grief..

    I come from a long line of addicts. My dad was an alcohol and porn addict. My moms side are addicts of everything under the sun. Some learned, some haven’t. Your brother sounds like my uncle. Been a drug addict since he was a teen. He’s probably almost 60 now.

    I’m praying for y’all. And I hope deliverance and blessings for all of you.

    Liked by 2 people

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