Warning – Graphic Content- This is my story. The current headlines are scary and frighten me to such a point , I have to shut it all down. I feel helpless. Its all out of my control. Ninety-nine percent of what I view, I don’t believe, as it rallies against common sense and logical thinking. The newscasters seem to be exaggerating story lines. I tried following podcasts from all groups to learn more about current events.
I searched myself. my thoughts, feelings and prayed. After praying I feel led to share my own personnel story now, forty years later. I can only share my story and hope it helps one person. It is time. We all are given a choice.
For those who don’t know, I am almost six feet tall, very pale, red-haired, southern woman with freckles. I have experienced prejudice reactions from other groups that resulted in bullying early on in school, based on the color of my skin, gender, weight, hair color, accent, freckles, height, breasts, hips, thighs, sound of my voice, smell of my hair. These bullying attacks came from all sides. School became a nightmare for me.
The nightmare exploded in high school, I rode a bus to and from school every day over an hour each way, on a particular day, a group of five students who had harassed me all year with fear tactics through verbal threats, chanting, name calling, mocking, facial expressions and blocking passage to exist the bus, decided to take their fun one step further.
It was the second last week of school for the year and summer vacation was ahead! There were only eight on the bus as we headed down the highway with our bus-driver (who was a student) and seven seated students. My sister and I were sitting midway on bus reading, when the other five students snuck up behind us and pulled my sister and I up out of our seats from behind! We were roughly held against our will by two girls and the boys began to rub all over our blouses feeling our breasts and despite our screams the bus driver ignored what was taking place. He kept driving, laughing and looking up in the mirror. When one of the boys tried to reach between my legs, I broke loose, reached over the seat, grabbing my big history book and fought back by whacking him up side the head into the window. I had no choice but to fight, as we were being assaulted. The bus driver still did nothing to help. Everything was a blur, thereafter as I fought to survive and help my sister. Time seemed to disappear, when would it end? Suddenly the bus came to a hard stop, all of us flung apart, we were ordered to get off, by the bus driver! My mother hearing the bus driver, looked up from her lawn seat in the yard and as I stumbled across the front of the bus, I saw “Rage” fly into my mother when she saw her children, both of us beat to a pulp. My mom flew past us onto that bus and was , surprise, blocked and manhandled by our bus driver, so my mother couldn’t get to the five who had beat us, I heard her through her screams, but couldn’t make out what she said as my ears were ringing, the last thing I witnessed was my mom slapping the bus driver(over 18) in the face and him pushing my mom backward off the bus. The bus drove off, and my mother stood up on the other side of the road, she went running after the bus or so I thought and then I realized she was using neighbors phone to call for help!
My mom came back and took us in, she asked all the hard questions no mother should ever have to ask their children. I vaguely remember a local doc coming to our home, saying my right jaw was fractured but would heal in time, right side of face swollen beyond recognition, barely able to see out my eye, bruises everywhere would also take time . My sister was in shock with many bruises. Why would our fellow students do this to us, why became our biggest question! Mom got us in shower and helped us to bed.It took several weeks for myself and my sister to heal, sadly the hidden scars stayed with me developing into anxiety. The “Why” remained unanswered.
That day I could have chosen to hate two races of men or hate men in general……or have it out for every girl who looked like the ones that helped the boys attack us. These six individuals do not define an entire races or cultures. Their criminal actions define a very bad event that took place, that was a crime against me and my sister. I chose not to hate, but to see them at their heart level. They are each responsible for their own actions, as well as the bus driver for his lack of action. One male attacker came forward and sincerely apologized to me and my sister. During the last week of school , he was attacked in the school lunch room and beat up side the head with a lead pipe by the others (his own friends) who had assaulted us. There was never any resolution. No charges.
I learned as an adult I was sexually assaulted having never heard that word in my childhood which traumatized and affected me for years.
I am confident the event caused my anxiety that I live with everyday, as I have a deep fear of being trapped , not able to escape. It also caused me to have to be in control of myself and my surroundings.
Now forty years later, I see hate running everywhere, assumptions being made, great division and many distractions.
This is the age of disillusionment and distraction! In order to find truth you will need to disconnect , find a quiet spot, turn everything off, reflect and search your own heart! Ask yourself , why you believe what you do, are the beliefs accurate or wrong?My heart says the killings have to stop! Innocent lives; babies , children and our love ones are dying! I’m crying for humanity, I’ve never seen so much pain!
Division is a tactic of old, it is the enemy trying to destroy us all ! I could have chosen to hate, discriminate or seek revenge! Instead I chose to forgive, for without forgiveness there is no reconciliation or unity.
Love covers a multitude of sin. I chose “Love”, for God first loved us! God commands us to love him with our all! Gods second greatest commandment is for us to Love one another! Sadly,there is not much of that second love going around.
“Jesus gave him a clear answer: the greatest among many things that man could do is to love. To love God wholly and totally (with one’s heart soul, and mind) and to love one’s neighbor are the greatest commandments of all. … Because God is love and that is why we are able to ❤️”
What is your choice? LOVE or HATE?
I think this song says it all, heal us, start with me!