I recently began to realize that I was not living my life and somewhere along the way, I had lost myself, along with my dreams and hopes flowing through the motions of day to day living.
A person can come to this place after suffering many trails and heartache, I lived that pain every day calling it the walking wounded. You are basically in shock lacking emotions.
When my marriage abruptly ended and I closed up my heart I put my trust in the Lord. I went through my separation and even though I know am free to marry biblically, it did not lessen my suffering.
Then came another storm, my existing relationships of the ones I loved, family and friends began to fall apart. Indescribable heartache, what in the world was I doing wrong. I examined myself and I prayed and fasted. I got no answers.
Then came another storm, I lost my career, my home, my belongings, and eventually my home church, which was the glue holding me together. I felt my heart wither away, I had thoughts of shaving my head and ripping my cloths. My heartache enclosed around me, I felt abandoned and very much alone. Depression slowly laid over me, weighing me down, I was grieving, I never want to feel depression like that again.
Through out my adult life, no one has ever taken care of me, even when I was married, I was alone and if I was sick, I was on my own.
In recent years, due to the recession, loss of income, I was suddenly dependent on others to help me. I was ashamed and humbled as I bounced from one relative to the next, not always being welcomed.
I tried to get back on my feet, becoming discouraged at the lack of employment, struggling just to have gas for an interview, not knowing if I would make it back home. Struggling to get medical and dental care, and pay for my prescriptions. Struggling and desperate to make it to church.
Church was my life line, if I could just get to church, I knew I would make it. Then came the days when I could not get there……. You get so tired of asking for help, then you have the ones who condemn you and think you have committed some horrible sin. That was the knife in the wound.
I saw that I was a woman in a mid-life spiritual crisis who needed to find her heart and protect it. The truth is I have been through terrible battles that left me scarred, mad and afraid. These battles I have lived through broke me into tiny pieces. I share my scars with you, because they are the ashes of my beauty of who I am becoming in Jesus and he knows exactly who I am in him.
I never turned my back on God, I sought him with every ounce of my fiber, at times barely able to whisper his name. I held onto his promises for they are truth and I kept my eyes on him. I took it all to his feet, all my sins, my problems, my heartache and I gave every single broken piece to him, and then I just let go.
Jesus is the sweetest name I know, my best friend, who broke me on the potter’s wheel, then began to mold and shape me into a vessel of his usefulness and then he carefully put me back together.
The wheel is the Holy Spirit in our lives which helps us to build and maintain our relationship with the Father. He brings needed repairs to us, he is our helper and our comforter and the more we depend on him, the better vessel we become in the hands of the potter. I can do nothing without the Holy Spirit in me. I need him every single day.
The Lord then scoops up the moistened clay with His mighty hand and places you on the Potter’s wheel. You hear His promise: “I have measured you; …So today, give all your pieces to Jesus, for who else but the potter can put you back together.